“how to live alone”

i literally have no idea what i’m doing half the time.


coming home to no roommate, no pet, no man, no nothing…is an art.
buying your own food, making the food, not letting it go bad, no one to remind you.
no one to remind you.
no one to remind you.

no one.

you gotta remind yourself to make the bed.
take the trash out.
clean once a week…twice?
turn the lights out when you leave.
walk down 3 flights of stairs to pay for laundry. $1.50 each time adds up.
wear the same jeans 3 days in a row and hope no one will notice.
going home is an option but you value your newfound independence.

you talk to yourself and sing in the shower. you think you sound good but there’s no one to validate or judge you or tell you to keep it down. you check your phone to see if he texted back. he didn’t. you wanna talk to your friends about it but you can’t hang out with your friends because of their schedule–
“oh, i work that weekend, sorry, um what about tuesday?…what about next month?”

you’re half naked half the time because it’s the summertime and it’s hot and A/C is expensive. you don’t care, no one can see you from the third floor anyway. you start making reckless decisions because you have no one to check you. maybe you’ll go viral. maybe you’ll get paid.

bills
bills
bills

rent literally costs an arm and a leg but your independence is priceless, right? you consider:
-stripping
-seekingarangements.com
-having a roommate
-moving back home
-selling everything
-selling your happiness

“nah”

you google signs of depression because you’ve cried more times than you can count. you google symptoms of PMS. interesting. google becomes your best friend–at least they don’t cancel and forget to reschedule.

insurance doesn’t really make sense. do you just…? google?? a doctor??? you give up and stay on your parent’s insurance instead. you call home more and more, and then less and less. distance makes this relationship stronger. family is everything. you come to realize everything you’ve taken for granted. home cooked meals, saving money, and quality time.

lovers become strangers on what seems to be a never-ending cycle and this makes you feel even more alone. you consider talking to a therapist about it but you’d rather talk to your friends…oh wait.

nevermind.

killing bugs is uncharted territory. you don’t know any of your neighbors so they can’t help you. you should probably change that.

you should probably change a lot of things, but you have no one to hold you accountable except yourself.

you try your very best to fight off bad habits, bad men, and bad memories all on your own. it gets tiring but you have to keep going because it gets better.

it gets better.

you’re born alone.
you grow alone.
you die alone.

this is life, this is art.

x

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